I'm pretty sure your pants are on fire!

My last Match endeavor (I've since removed my profile from both sites) proved to be very interesting.

His profile was very cleverly worded with a lot of humor and his pictures were quite silly and as I'm sure you've figured out by now, if you didn't already know, I'm very silly...so, I took the bait! We had good rapport over the phone and decided to meet. Over the course of knowing him I learned some very interesting "facts".

In my last relationship I rarely ever recieved any compliments or attention. It was always about him and what I could do to help him live an easier life. I had to beg my ex for attention...all types of it. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, you know what I mean? to quote the great Monty Python. So this guy, not even knowing this, starts in with the "How's your day beautiful?". "I miss you gorgeous." "I can't wait to see you again." And so on and so forth. I was sucked right the fuck in. I wanted only an iota of this attention from my ex who couldn't be bothered to tell me he loved or missed me after a year and a half of being together (six of those months were long distance and one of those statements would've gone a long way), but here's this guy telling me what I wanted to hear. Yes folks, I'm actually the asshole in this story..

Over the course of a couple months I talked to this guy twice maybe thrice on the phone. All communication was done via text or interestingly enough Words With Friends. How superbly ridiculous. In that timeframe he cancelled dates on me three times but kept up with the "Hey gorgeous" texts. So yes, I kept biting. After months of this and only three dates, I decided I had enough. But this dickhole never responded to our last conversation so I didn't get the chance to blow him off before he blew me off. I was slightly disappointed that I didn't get that satisfaction :( but moved on rather quickly.

Shall we move on to the list of lies now?

1. I'm 5' 10"
My ass you're 5' 10"...I'm 5' 8" and I'm looking you directly in the eye and can see we're the same height.

2. In high school my mom made me wear spandex pants to school
This has the potential to be true. We've all done some stupid shit in high school.

3. I'm 36 years old
Well, the way match.com works is that you type in your birth date and it automatically calculates your age. His profile said 37 but he kept insisting he was 36 and didn't know how to change it.

4. I have lots of tattoos
He definitely had lots of tattoos. A couple nice ones but a few shitty ones as well but I have a couple of those, so no harm; no foul on this one.

5. I have a son
Most likely. I think I believe this one.

6. I'm a plant manager
No clue if the guy was actually a plant manager. But one of the women at his work stalked and sexually harrassed him and he apparently pulled the chick's husband aside and told him to control his wife.

7. I tried out for the Phillies and made their minor league team as a short stop
I don't think so dude. There's this thing called the interwebs where you can find (or not find) all sorts of information.

8. I made the olympic boxing team
See my response to number seven.

9. I was stabbed
Maybe he was stabbed? He did show me a small mark on his abs but it could've been a chicken pox scar for all I know. He was never able to fully articulate why his ex stabbed him though and apparently walked to the ER after pulling a knife from his stomach, so...

10. I was shot
Maybe he was shot? He showed me a mark on his elbow but that could've been a scar from the stabbing...haha just kidding. It was received during the commission of a convenience store robbery and the guy just randomly shot at him. I've seen weirder shit on the news

It was at this point that I lost track of the shit spewing out of his mouth.

11. I have to work
Like I said, this guy cancelled on me a few times but I'm not convinced he was working that much. He was apparently the only guy at his plant that knew how to do stuff and it was easier to go to work than have people call him on his days off to ask questions.

12. My brother was in the bloods and then the crips or vice versa
He has an 18 year old brother who apparently was a member of one gang and then quit and joined the other. This coincides with 13 as he was shot at because the opposing gang found out and looked to exact revenge on him while he was walking someone's dog...I don't know, maybe his mom's?

13. I was shot at again

14. There's one that sounds so ridiculous that if it's true, it's really shitty and I'm not gonna put it out there!!
This was just a straight up ridiculous story that was so unbelievable I actually told him I thought he was full of shit and that I didn't believe it. But, because I'ma decent person I won't reveal it in case it is true...but I really, truly, sincerely doubt it!! If it's true, I'll eat a whole cooked fish eyes and all and wash it down with a whole bottle of super bitter red wine (I hate both of those things)

15. I was robbed and they stole everything even my clothes and then I went and wrestled with some cokeheads to get my shit back
This was the last story I received. His entire apartment was robbed including all of his clothes except for one pair of pants or some shit. I guess he had an idea of who stole it because he told me he went to some cokehead's place, wandered in and was wrestling with them. This was the last straw for me. A of all, you have a son. What in the shit are you doing wrestling crackheads for a t-shirt? B of all, who doesn't have renter's insurance? C of all, what the what? I was done before this point but this story solidified it.

16. I like you
I know this one was a lie. Did you read numbers 1-15??