I'm pretty sure your pants are on fire!

My last Match endeavor (I've since removed my profile from both sites) proved to be very interesting.

His profile was very cleverly worded with a lot of humor and his pictures were quite silly and as I'm sure you've figured out by now, if you didn't already know, I'm very silly...so, I took the bait! We had good rapport over the phone and decided to meet. Over the course of knowing him I learned some very interesting "facts".

In my last relationship I rarely ever recieved any compliments or attention. It was always about him and what I could do to help him live an easier life. I had to beg my ex for attention...all types of it. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, you know what I mean? to quote the great Monty Python. So this guy, not even knowing this, starts in with the "How's your day beautiful?". "I miss you gorgeous." "I can't wait to see you again." And so on and so forth. I was sucked right the fuck in. I wanted only an iota of this attention from my ex who couldn't be bothered to tell me he loved or missed me after a year and a half of being together (six of those months were long distance and one of those statements would've gone a long way), but here's this guy telling me what I wanted to hear. Yes folks, I'm actually the asshole in this story..

Over the course of a couple months I talked to this guy twice maybe thrice on the phone. All communication was done via text or interestingly enough Words With Friends. How superbly ridiculous. In that timeframe he cancelled dates on me three times but kept up with the "Hey gorgeous" texts. So yes, I kept biting. After months of this and only three dates, I decided I had enough. But this dickhole never responded to our last conversation so I didn't get the chance to blow him off before he blew me off. I was slightly disappointed that I didn't get that satisfaction :( but moved on rather quickly.

Shall we move on to the list of lies now?

1. I'm 5' 10"
My ass you're 5' 10"...I'm 5' 8" and I'm looking you directly in the eye and can see we're the same height.

2. In high school my mom made me wear spandex pants to school
This has the potential to be true. We've all done some stupid shit in high school.

3. I'm 36 years old
Well, the way match.com works is that you type in your birth date and it automatically calculates your age. His profile said 37 but he kept insisting he was 36 and didn't know how to change it.

4. I have lots of tattoos
He definitely had lots of tattoos. A couple nice ones but a few shitty ones as well but I have a couple of those, so no harm; no foul on this one.

5. I have a son
Most likely. I think I believe this one.

6. I'm a plant manager
No clue if the guy was actually a plant manager. But one of the women at his work stalked and sexually harrassed him and he apparently pulled the chick's husband aside and told him to control his wife.

7. I tried out for the Phillies and made their minor league team as a short stop
I don't think so dude. There's this thing called the interwebs where you can find (or not find) all sorts of information.

8. I made the olympic boxing team
See my response to number seven.

9. I was stabbed
Maybe he was stabbed? He did show me a small mark on his abs but it could've been a chicken pox scar for all I know. He was never able to fully articulate why his ex stabbed him though and apparently walked to the ER after pulling a knife from his stomach, so...

10. I was shot
Maybe he was shot? He showed me a mark on his elbow but that could've been a scar from the stabbing...haha just kidding. It was received during the commission of a convenience store robbery and the guy just randomly shot at him. I've seen weirder shit on the news

It was at this point that I lost track of the shit spewing out of his mouth.

11. I have to work
Like I said, this guy cancelled on me a few times but I'm not convinced he was working that much. He was apparently the only guy at his plant that knew how to do stuff and it was easier to go to work than have people call him on his days off to ask questions.

12. My brother was in the bloods and then the crips or vice versa
He has an 18 year old brother who apparently was a member of one gang and then quit and joined the other. This coincides with 13 as he was shot at because the opposing gang found out and looked to exact revenge on him while he was walking someone's dog...I don't know, maybe his mom's?

13. I was shot at again

14. There's one that sounds so ridiculous that if it's true, it's really shitty and I'm not gonna put it out there!!
This was just a straight up ridiculous story that was so unbelievable I actually told him I thought he was full of shit and that I didn't believe it. But, because I'ma decent person I won't reveal it in case it is true...but I really, truly, sincerely doubt it!! If it's true, I'll eat a whole cooked fish eyes and all and wash it down with a whole bottle of super bitter red wine (I hate both of those things)

15. I was robbed and they stole everything even my clothes and then I went and wrestled with some cokeheads to get my shit back
This was the last story I received. His entire apartment was robbed including all of his clothes except for one pair of pants or some shit. I guess he had an idea of who stole it because he told me he went to some cokehead's place, wandered in and was wrestling with them. This was the last straw for me. A of all, you have a son. What in the shit are you doing wrestling crackheads for a t-shirt? B of all, who doesn't have renter's insurance? C of all, what the what? I was done before this point but this story solidified it.

16. I like you
I know this one was a lie. Did you read numbers 1-15??

Someone's wearing his big boy pants

If you recall from my last entry, I had not one but two bad dates recently.

Apparently date #2, let's call him Dickbag for my entertainment, thought things went very well and sent me a follow-up text a few days after our very pleasant and completely un-awkward meet and greet. At the end of which I thought we were joking around about going on another date; he even said he had our wedding planned. Note to all you men out there: Don't ever make that joke. Even if things are going well. And we get the bad rap for being crazy psychos??

His text only said, "Hey.What are you up to." Now, we all know that means I'm interested in seeing you again or at least keeping the lines of communication open so that I can eventually see you again, right? Right. Well, unfortunately for Dickbag, I was definitely not interested in ever seeing or hearing from him again. So I sent a nicely worded text for which I received approval from three male friends.

"Hi Dickbag. Thanks for
meeting me the other
night but I don't think I'm
interested in going out a
second time. Best of luck
to you in school and in
your search!"

Approximately two and a half hours later I received a very well thought out, very heartfelt response.
Wanna hear it? Here it goes!

"Hi Autumn. Thanks for
meeting me as well. just a
bit of advice...don't tell
somebody you are
interested in a second
date if you aren't. Also I do
think you are very pretty,
but don't think that your
personality is all that
because it isn't! Some
girls that are on match are
not there mentally and you
are one of them. Don't
worry though I am erasing
your number after I send
this text. Good luck to you
too."

A of all: Yes, Dickbag, I am very pretty ;)
B of all: Who says "all that" anymore? Keenan and Kel from Good Burger called; they want their saying back
And C of all: I'm totally there mentally...okay, maybe not totally but I didn't respond to his inanely childish text message. That's gotta count for something, doesn't it?

Animal, Vegetable, Mineral

Remember back in the day when you had a really long car ride and you had to sit next to your bratty little brother that you hated at the time because you had to watch him in the summer while your parents worked and your friends all went to the Souderton pool and hung out with the cute boys at the mall? That was just me?

Anywho...you'd be in the car and of course had to come up with something to make the time go faster. Inevitably 20 questions would come up and you'd have to ask a series of 20 yes or no rapid-fire questions until you could guess what your brother had in his head: animal (usually a famous person), vegetable or mineral. Playing with him was pretty easy because he would often re-use the same answer.

I'm thinking of a mineral right now.

So apparently, dating has become a lot like 20 questions except there's no clear end goal. I've had two REALLY bad dates in the last week and they were both completely and ridiculously non-sequitor and both as equally uncomfortable as the other...

I'll start with date #1 last Sunday. We had talked a couple times on the phone and had an okay chemistry. He seemed like a nice guy and had a decent sense of humor. He was smart and we all know; Autumn likes smart. He mentioned in passing that he doesn't drink. That's fine, right? People make choices for whatever reasons they have. I know people that abstain from eating carbs, eating animals, people that don't drink soda (damn all of them and their willpower). I'm not a big drinker anyway so it didn't really phase me. I thought it would be good to meet at a coffee shop because if he doesn't drink; why meet at a bar? He sent a text a few hours before we were supposed to meet and said, "Why don't we meet at the Boathouse and have dinner?" Dinner, sure. I like to eat.

So, we met and started talking about school and papers and the pros and cons of Microsoft Word vs. and "What was your longest relationship?" Boom! That's how it started. And from that point on I felt like I was on an episode of Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton. "Why did it only last so long? How many have you had? Do you want kids?" I think my head spun a little bit. Could we wait for our food to arrive before we delve into the serious shit please? Or better yet, how about until we decide we even want to see each other again. I'm sorry but I think it's pretty tactless when people ask you such personal questions the first time they meet you and it's not conversational either; I mean, he was just throwing this shit at me one after the other. So, you know what this bitch did? She turned the tables! "How long have you been not drinking? 6 years. Oh okay, that's a long time." "Why don't you drink? Oh, you used to have a drinking problem and that's why you got divorced." "Were you in rehab? No." "But you go to how many AA meetings in a week? Three meetings every week." "Sorry, I didn't catch that: What am I thinking right now?" My first thought is what the fuck are we doing in a bar if you have such a drinking problem...CHECK PLEASE!!!!

Let's move on to date #2 shall we? Because date #1 went so well! A of all, date #2 was late and he was wearing sandals, not flip flops but sandals. To his credit, I didn't see those before he sat down so the reason this date didn't go well had nothing to do with his choice of footwear and I can feel a little less superficial and judgemental. Right away I can tell this guy doesn't have much of a personality. I mean, I'm carrying the conversation. I'm asking him how his studying is going because this guy goes to school too. We're exchanging horror stories about group projects and "How many dates have you been on?" REALLY? What the hell is going on with all this bullshit?? And why are they so interested in talking about the past right away? I know you can't meet someone organically anymore but can we at least have an organic conversation?? Let me finish answering your question about what I do for a living before you ask me if my parents are still married. He then proceeds to tell me, unprompted mind you, that he went out with a chick who he found incredibly attractive but he could tell she had a high maintenance personality just by hanging out with her for a little bit (remember this).

And this is when the conversation took a turn for the worse (surprise): After an hour of interrogation he asks, "What's your personality like?" What the what? I could tell you just about anything right here. I could say I'm highly sarcastic, I have no moral compass and I sometimes want to punch random children when they scream in a restaurant or on a plane...and that would all be the truth. Or I could say that I'm sweet, rarely judgemental and hate to joke around. What the hell kind of question is this anyway? Instead I asked him what he thought of my personality so far and he said he had his ideas but wanted to make sure. I will now refer you back to the part where I could've made shit up. For those of you that know me well enough; I didn't make anything up. I laid it out there. And now it's my turn to comment on what I think of his personality because apparently he didn't pay attention when I told him that someone once told me I was a charismatic asshole. So, "What's your first impression of me?" he asks. Really dickhole? All right, I'll answer it. You seem a little serious and I get the impression you don't joke around a lot. "What do you mean by that?" Exactly what I said. You don't have a personality and you're not very funny."Well I don't think you can judge somebody the first time you meet them." "OK, well 15 minutes ago you told me you went on a date with a woman who you judged to be high maintenance, so..." (I told you to remember that part). And after all of this he decides to make a joke about how I probably hate him and it's a shame because he already had our wedding planned and our honeymoon to Hawaii booked. Did I mention that one of the questions he asked me was "What would you name your daughter?" CHECK PLEASE!!!!

Fool's Gold. That's the mineral I was thinking of. Not only is it a bad movie, but it's a pyrite. The name pyrite is derived from the Greek πυρίτης (puritēs), "of fire" or "in fire", from πύρ (pur), "fire".. And as you can tell I'm setting the dating world on fire right now!

Sometimes you feel like some nuts

I don't really make it a secret that I'm on the dating sites and I've used them periodically through the years with somewhat fruitful results. Previously, my bouts with meatmarket.com led to me meeting someone with whom I wanted to spend more time. This go-round, however, is proving to be much different.

I'm not sure what happened between now and the last time, but it seems that men got either really creepy or really selfish. I have a feeling most women would say something like , "Got? They've always been that way.". Not true. I've gone out on dates with some genuinely nice guys, but there was no click, no chemistry. And not having any chemistry immediately puts the lady bits on lockdown. That guy is never gonna get the key, no matter how perfect he seems on paper. If he ain't got it on the first date, he's never gonna get it.

So, the way this whole online dating thing works is that you basically search for someone that looks attractive and then you read their profile, if they still seem like a good thing then you can either "wink" at them (like a feeler to see if they're interested) or you can just send them an e-mail. I try to respond to every wink and e-mail I get but, let's face it; that's never gonna happen. Instead, I'll write back to the ones I deem attractive and with a good personality (sometimes, yes, on looks alone...whatever, don't judge).

Recently I received a wink from a guy who was neither 50+ years old nor 500+ pounds. I thought he's cute, I'll just go ahead and send him an e-mail. So, of course I was super charming and layed out some really good lines. It just oozed awesome...in fact all of the e-mails that I send ooze awesome. I have a feeling though that some things people might want to send me would probably ooze something far more different. What I received back, after thoughtfully crafting an eloquent, poignant and clever message was one question:

Are you into submissive men?

Now, there were two things that went through my head at this point.
A of all: he's just a guy who doesn't have a lot of opinions and let's the woman take the lead on decisions
B of all: he wants me to crush his nuts with my snakeskin stilettos

What do you mean by submissive? was what I wrote back because now I needed to know if it was A or B.

There are two reasons the above response bothered me. The first was that I could be misconstrued as someone that would enjoy playing the role of dominatrix in the bedroom. I get the otherwise. Yeah, I tend to be an alpha female, but when I'm in a relationship I'd rather have a partner than a whipping boy. I can't stand when a man can't make up his mind about something as simple as where to go to dinner, let alone whether he wants me to beat him with the horsehair whip or the leather whip. I simply don't have time for that.

But the thing that bothered me the most was that he had the audacity to send me this e-mail and include a grammatical/spelling error. Who proclaims they're a masochist and then doesn't spell check that shit??

Welcome to My Personal Hell

So, I just kinda want to introduce myself here in this first post and let you get somewhat acquainted with my personality and a little bit of my background.

Clearly, I'm single. At this stage of the game, I'm single by choice. I've had three major loves in my life (some will be offended by that, sorry, but you're probably married by now so you win anyway)! The first was when I was 20. He was beautiful by my standards...at the time. Big ol' mountain man with dreads. It didn't work out. The second was when I was 29. I thought he was the coolest thing to ever walk the face of the Earth. It didn't work out. The third and final installment, thus far, was when I was 33. He was a lawyer from down south...a lot of fun and knew how to handle my personality. You'll see throughout the various stories that most could not. Guess what? It didn't work out.

In between, there have been countless and nameless (sorry Mom) men to come my way. All of them interesting in their own right. For some of those men, I left them with a broken heart; others tore mine out. So I'm gonna go ahead and just call it even.

Since the last relationship ended, I decided to take some time and think about things. I didn't need to take too long because, well, you'll find out eventually. Tick tock, tick tock; I'm back on the dating sites. Why am I on the dating sites? Because nothing happens organically anymore. Despite what "coupled up" people may think, you won't meet your future mate in the produce section. While smelling a melon for ripeness, he'll make a funny joke about your big melons or maybe even a witty unimelon joke and then you'll laugh and decide to grab a coffee at Starbucks together and live happily ever after. And you won't meet him in the laundromat either. You won't accidentally take each other's clothes out of the wrong dryer and as you grab his boxers from your pile, he'll pick up your very sexy thong and you'll both giggle and see previous Starbucks ending. Because let's face it ladies it would, in all likelihood, have been the granny panties you keep around for everybody's favorite three to five days out of the month. You know the ones I'm talking about...with the stretched elastic and ripped seams. And it certainly won't be your cousin's husband's friend who, after having been passed out after a night of drinking, wakes you up by asking if you "can feel that".

So, after telling my latest story of intrigue, my very good friend convinced me to do this. Now, here I am and here you are.

Won't you come along with me on my adventures?