Animal, Vegetable, Mineral

Remember back in the day when you had a really long car ride and you had to sit next to your bratty little brother that you hated at the time because you had to watch him in the summer while your parents worked and your friends all went to the Souderton pool and hung out with the cute boys at the mall? That was just me?

Anywho...you'd be in the car and of course had to come up with something to make the time go faster. Inevitably 20 questions would come up and you'd have to ask a series of 20 yes or no rapid-fire questions until you could guess what your brother had in his head: animal (usually a famous person), vegetable or mineral. Playing with him was pretty easy because he would often re-use the same answer.

I'm thinking of a mineral right now.

So apparently, dating has become a lot like 20 questions except there's no clear end goal. I've had two REALLY bad dates in the last week and they were both completely and ridiculously non-sequitor and both as equally uncomfortable as the other...

I'll start with date #1 last Sunday. We had talked a couple times on the phone and had an okay chemistry. He seemed like a nice guy and had a decent sense of humor. He was smart and we all know; Autumn likes smart. He mentioned in passing that he doesn't drink. That's fine, right? People make choices for whatever reasons they have. I know people that abstain from eating carbs, eating animals, people that don't drink soda (damn all of them and their willpower). I'm not a big drinker anyway so it didn't really phase me. I thought it would be good to meet at a coffee shop because if he doesn't drink; why meet at a bar? He sent a text a few hours before we were supposed to meet and said, "Why don't we meet at the Boathouse and have dinner?" Dinner, sure. I like to eat.

So, we met and started talking about school and papers and the pros and cons of Microsoft Word vs. and "What was your longest relationship?" Boom! That's how it started. And from that point on I felt like I was on an episode of Inside the Actor's Studio with James Lipton. "Why did it only last so long? How many have you had? Do you want kids?" I think my head spun a little bit. Could we wait for our food to arrive before we delve into the serious shit please? Or better yet, how about until we decide we even want to see each other again. I'm sorry but I think it's pretty tactless when people ask you such personal questions the first time they meet you and it's not conversational either; I mean, he was just throwing this shit at me one after the other. So, you know what this bitch did? She turned the tables! "How long have you been not drinking? 6 years. Oh okay, that's a long time." "Why don't you drink? Oh, you used to have a drinking problem and that's why you got divorced." "Were you in rehab? No." "But you go to how many AA meetings in a week? Three meetings every week." "Sorry, I didn't catch that: What am I thinking right now?" My first thought is what the fuck are we doing in a bar if you have such a drinking problem...CHECK PLEASE!!!!

Let's move on to date #2 shall we? Because date #1 went so well! A of all, date #2 was late and he was wearing sandals, not flip flops but sandals. To his credit, I didn't see those before he sat down so the reason this date didn't go well had nothing to do with his choice of footwear and I can feel a little less superficial and judgemental. Right away I can tell this guy doesn't have much of a personality. I mean, I'm carrying the conversation. I'm asking him how his studying is going because this guy goes to school too. We're exchanging horror stories about group projects and "How many dates have you been on?" REALLY? What the hell is going on with all this bullshit?? And why are they so interested in talking about the past right away? I know you can't meet someone organically anymore but can we at least have an organic conversation?? Let me finish answering your question about what I do for a living before you ask me if my parents are still married. He then proceeds to tell me, unprompted mind you, that he went out with a chick who he found incredibly attractive but he could tell she had a high maintenance personality just by hanging out with her for a little bit (remember this).

And this is when the conversation took a turn for the worse (surprise): After an hour of interrogation he asks, "What's your personality like?" What the what? I could tell you just about anything right here. I could say I'm highly sarcastic, I have no moral compass and I sometimes want to punch random children when they scream in a restaurant or on a plane...and that would all be the truth. Or I could say that I'm sweet, rarely judgemental and hate to joke around. What the hell kind of question is this anyway? Instead I asked him what he thought of my personality so far and he said he had his ideas but wanted to make sure. I will now refer you back to the part where I could've made shit up. For those of you that know me well enough; I didn't make anything up. I laid it out there. And now it's my turn to comment on what I think of his personality because apparently he didn't pay attention when I told him that someone once told me I was a charismatic asshole. So, "What's your first impression of me?" he asks. Really dickhole? All right, I'll answer it. You seem a little serious and I get the impression you don't joke around a lot. "What do you mean by that?" Exactly what I said. You don't have a personality and you're not very funny."Well I don't think you can judge somebody the first time you meet them." "OK, well 15 minutes ago you told me you went on a date with a woman who you judged to be high maintenance, so..." (I told you to remember that part). And after all of this he decides to make a joke about how I probably hate him and it's a shame because he already had our wedding planned and our honeymoon to Hawaii booked. Did I mention that one of the questions he asked me was "What would you name your daughter?" CHECK PLEASE!!!!

Fool's Gold. That's the mineral I was thinking of. Not only is it a bad movie, but it's a pyrite. The name pyrite is derived from the Greek πυρίτης (puritēs), "of fire" or "in fire", from πύρ (pur), "fire".. And as you can tell I'm setting the dating world on fire right now!