This is not a dating story, but one a dear friend of mine hadn't heard, so I typed it out for him. I thought I'd share it because it's pretty damn funny!
A long, long time ago in a town near here, there was a boy named Jared who was moving to Atlanta. He was a wonderful boy loved by many friends who were getting together in his studio apartment to wish him sad farewells.
One of the friends was named Autumn and she would miss him so terribly much. She had so many fond memories of Jared that she wanted to continue making more, but alas, it was time for our hero to move on.
On the day of his going away party, Autumn wasn't feeling well. She had such a tummy ache but she had to bid her former crush adieu and give him one last hug before his new journey began. When she arrived at the party, there were other friends there too. One of the girls was named Julia, a dark-haired beauty who had fine culinary skills; she baked some beautiful goods for the occasion.
Upon hearing that Autumn's abdomen was agitated, Julia beckoned Autumn to eat something to calm her aching belly. She took a few bites of the delicious treat and waited to become at ease. Sadly, her belly became enraged and distressed. It began yelling at her and roiling with rage. "What did you feed me?" Autumn asked of Julia. "A bran muffin" was her reply.
Autumn quickly looked around at the close proximity of the bathroom to everything else and realized that she would not be able to survive the embarrassment of relieving her bowels in the confines of the apartment. She said her quick good byes and in a panic began to make her way home. Her bowels became quite maddened at the thought of having to wait twenty minutes to release their fiery contents.
She knew she had but little time before her intestines relinquished their grip on her constitution. Autumn drove with purpose towards the nearest McDonald's; her body became warm and a feverish chill took over as beads of sweat began to form on her hairline and upper lip. Her brow furrowed with frenzy and alarm. Her stomach was bellowing in agony. Just when she thought she could take no more, the Golden Arches appeared and there was a slight release of tension at the thought of making it to the dimly lit bathroom. In this brief moment, she was dreaming about the Celine Dion music that would be playing and the smell of the lemon-scented Renuzit Roller Scents toilet paper roll air freshener; even that pungent smell would be a welcome mat for her olfactory senses.
As her daydream neared realization, Autumn knew it would never come to pass. With the McDonald's a mere hundred yards away, she experienced the excrement emancipation. It was, at the same time, glorious and debilitating. With her hands firmly attached to the steering wheel, she continued driving home. Her screams of pain and humiliation were deafening. "You just shit your pants!", she wailed over and over again. The heat became unbearable and the copious amounts of feces bursting from her body were unbearable.
Where there was sweat only moments ago there were now prolific amounts of tears. "You just shit your pants!" was her mantra for the next 10 minutes. As the screaming continued, she acknowledged the hot news proliferating from her body. "You just shit your pants!" The tears became heaving sobs as the dysentery-like discharge began to swell and cascade over the back of the spandex shorts she was wearing under her dress.
"You just shit your pants!" she continued to scream at herself as she pulled into the driveway of her parent's home. She threw the car into park, catapulted herself out of the car and hurdled towards the garage door. Autumn flung the door of the bathroom open in anticipation; any perch was more welcome than the driver seat of her car and the downstairs toilet was a sight for sore eyes.
She sat down with a heavy heart and heavier underwear, her shoulders still heaving from the distress of the situation. Her head jerked in alarm. Someone was home. She could hear frantic footsteps and her name. "Autumn? Autumn?" It was getting louder. The footsteps became more hurried and frenzied. "Autumn? Is everything alright?" Bang, bang on the door. "Everything is fine Mom. I'm fine." She hoped that would fend her off for a few minutes, knowing it wouldn't. "You're not fine. I heard you run into the house and you're crying in the bathroom. What's the matter? Let me in!"
Autumn understood at that moment that she had to tell her mother and that this woman would empathize with her turmoil and disgrace. Mom would make everything alright with a few encouraging words but Autumn still couldn't help but feel the indignity. "I SHIT MY PANTS!" she screamed in pleading agony. The tears began streaming down her face once again.
She could hear her mother moving slightly in the small space, shuffling her feet, outside of the door and waited patiently for her reaction . Autumn was still perched atop the toilet, her shoulders violently shaking from trying to contain her sobs. When she heard her mom's slow intake and subsequent exhale of breath and finally, the words of comfort she was so anxiously anticipating. "Well, for Christ's sake, DO NOT put them in the washer!!"
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